Gensokyo Life
by One-Week Wizard
Summary: A collection of short stories revolving around each of the characters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Paradise of the Shrine Maiden**

"Stop iiiiiiiiit! Give it baaaaack!"  
"Nuh uh! I found it first!"  
"But I want it..."

The annoyingly high-pitched voices floated through the open area in the wall (windows, like everything else, were too expensive), waking me from my sleep.

And, like most other people, I did not like to be woken up.

Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I stood up and stretched my legs, adjusting the ribbon in my hair. After I made sure that I looked like I did just about every other day, I took a moment to crack my knuckles. Someone was going to pay very dearly for waking me up at the crack of dawn.

Stepping over to the space in the wall, I nearly screamed with fury. A group of fairies, which are similar to children with wings and magical abilities, were in my courtyard, playing catch with my jars of rice.

Rather than wasting time going around the front, I jumped out the window, and stepped up to the intruders, no doubt looking like a very angry shrine maiden.

"Hey, you!" I shouted, drawing myself up to my whole height. "You have under one minute to put down the rice and- OW!" The last portion was because one of them had just broken the jar over my head, sending shards and rice everywhere.

"Go away, annoying shrine maiden!" one of them shouted, taking a moment to shove a rude gesture in my face.

I took a moment to calm myself down, staring at the rice scattered about.

As my hands shook, I pulled a spell card from my sleeve. I held it up for the fairies to see, and took a deep breath. "Fantasy Sign..." I began dramatically. As the spell card began to glow, the fairies' faces instantly went from mischievousness to utter terror.

Their little screams grated on my ears as they all fled in fear, leaving me alone with the mess.

"Great..." I mumbled, sighing heavily and putting the card away. "Now I have no rice..." Retrieving a broom from the shrine, I began sweeping up the remains.

After that little adventure, I dragged myself back inside, and began heating some water for tea. It was always such a pain, gathering the firewood on the stove, getting the water from the well... And Marisa just has that little hakkero thingy. Typical. I break my back doing things the traditional way, Marisa just breezes through everything.

After I had finally made the tea, I sat down on my front steps and looked up to the sky. Even with the events of the morning, I couldn't resist smiling and lightening up extremely as the early morning sun warmed my face. It's kind of sad how people forget the beauty of nature.

Taking the last sip of my morning routine, I washed the teacup and put it back on the shelf. I also made sure to lock my pantry this time. I didn't intend on losing any more of my supplies.

Once everything was secured and squared away, I began my weekly journey to the village, the little money I had sitting in a small bag tied to my waist. I must be a saint, to go through so much for so little...

While walking down the path, my mood lightened considerably. After all, how do you stay upset when surrounded by absolute serenity? I began to shake off my morning temper, as cheerfulness took hold of me. I really loved the walk to the village. It was so quiet, and-

"Found you!" an energetic voice above me shouted. I looked up to see Marisa Kirisame, floating on her broomstick.

Scratch that. My day had just been spoiled by the local embodiment of destruction.

"So, what'cha doin'?" Marisa asked me, as the blond touched down next to me. "Nice day for a walk, isn't it?"

"It was," I answered her, highly annoyed.

"What's wrong?" she asked, putting on a concerned look. Come on, Marisa, I know you better than that...

"The beauty of nature was just ruined by an unwelcome intrusion."

"Ooooh, I see..." Marisa giggled, finally catching. "You don't want me heres, is that it? Alrighty then, Reimu, you can find out about Yukari yourself. See ya!" Smirking, she straddled her broom and flew off.

"Wait, Marisa! What are you talking about?" I called after her, hoping beyond hope that it wasn't another one of her jokes.

"You'll find out without me, I guess. You don't want me around!" Her voice called out, fading as she flew away.

I kept walking, deciding to forget about that little encounter. She was probably trying to mess with me, and, like she said, I'd find out anyway if she was serious.

I reached the village a short time later, thinking about what I needed. I needed a new jar and some rice, obviously... and some more paper would be useful... I should've made a list...

I spotted my first objective immediately. The farmer's little beaten up cart was piled with ingredients, all contained in clay jars. I wonder why jars were the most useful way of containing things for him? Did he have something against baskets?

No time for wondering, I had errands to run.

"Hello, Reimu!" the vendor called out to me as I approached his cart.

"Oh, good morning..." I answered, distractedly. Let's see... That jar was cheaper, but it expired sooner... But that one looked like it would last longer... Maybe it was worth the extra money...

"Umm..." I looked up, sheepishly. "I'm really running low on money right now, and, if you wouldn't mind... You know..."

"Huh? Oh, no problem. Just pay for it next time. After all, you're one of the ones who helps us when things go wrong, right? It's good karma to aid a shrine maiden in need."

As I took my things and bowed to the generous farmer, my cheeks turned bright red. "Thank you very much..." I muttered, slightly embarrassed to have to ask for charity.

"Think nothing of it!" the man replied.

Okay, that was out of the way. This jar is heavy... I should've picked it up last. Order of operations, Reimu, come on...

Carrying the burden, I moved towards my next target: Keine's house. Keine, being a schoolteacher, always had some extra paper. Maybe I could use my good standing with her...

I approached her door, and realized the fact that knocking would be hard with both hands underneath this jar.

"Keine! Keine, are you there? Open up! It's me, Reimu!" I shouted, tapping on the door with my foot.

The door flew open to a very annoyed Keine.

"What do you-" she began to scream angrily. Her expression softened when she saw me. "Oh, Reimu, I'm sorry. Come on in, that thing looks heavy."

I thanked her, and entered into her house, setting the jar down. Just had to sit through a conversation with her, get my paper, and go home...

"So, what brings you here?" Keine asked, going into her kitchen to make some tea.

"Oh, I just wanted to..." I tried to think up a plausible excuse, but decided that it wouldn't be worth the risk. "I really just needed some paper." I heard Keine sigh, so I added, "But I have time to talk."

Keine came back into the room a few minutes later, carrying two cups of tea. Setting one down before me, she sat down opposite me.

"You really don't come to the village that much..."

"Only for supplies. I have a shrine to maintain, not that anyone ever uses it."

"Well, it's good that we have someone to maintain it. Think of it as the duty you were born into. Your hard work keeps the village in good favor with... Umm... What's the deity again?"

I shrugged, and took a sip of my tea. "I honestly can't remember, one of the native gods. I'm just a caretaker, not a priest."

"I guess I can understand that. It's like teaching. The passion for the duty is just as important as the reason behind it. As long as you seek to take care of the shrine, the native god will be pleased, whoever they are, right?"

"I don't think so. Not after the Youkai Mountain thing. But I guess I can see what you're saying. Anyway, it's getting late..."

"Oh, yes, you needed paper..."

Keine stood up and shuffled off to her storage area, or wherever she kept it. Unlike most residents of Gensokyo, I really don't like having to make my job my life. Being a shrine maiden is an occupation. I burn incense, I say the prayers, but it's not like I'm constantly channeling one god or another. The shrine is my home, which is why I sweep the floors, repair the roof, and defend it, if need be. Not because some local deity wants me to. Then again, that way of thinking really isn't as dangerous as some people think. I went toe to toe with the native gods, and I can hold my own in a fight fairly well.

"Ah, here you go," Keine said, snapping me out of my deep thought. She dropped a stack of paper in front of me. "Anyway, I should start cooking dinner, and you did say you needed to be going, so..." she trailed off, looking slightly annoyed by my bluntness.

I bowed, blushing, and took the paper. "Thank you, Keine. I'll have to come back later, the tea was very good."

Keine brightened up, and wished me a good rest of the day.

After leaving her house, I set off on the path back to the shrine. It was getting dark out, so I walked a little bit faster than normal. It wasn't as if I feared the weak night youkai, but I didn't want my paper to end up like my rice. Which reminded me...

Oh, great.

I did an about face and headed for Keine's house. When I arrived, I found her standing on her front steps, holding my jar.

"Back again?" she smiled, putting the jar on top of the paper. My arms felt like they would break at any second. I grunted out my thanks, and returned to my mission of getting back home with intact arms.

What a day...

I dragged myself back to my shrine, when the moon was high in the sky. I shuffled up the steps and into the shrine itself, setting everything down, and collapsing on a bedroll I had prepared earlier.

It was cold... Why did I have to tend to this thing? And... alone...?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Thoughts of the Elegant Maid  
**

"Sakuya Izayoi, the time that you have chosen to be awoken has arrived!" Patchouli's voice boomed in my ear, forcing me out of my sleep. I looked around for the mage, but, as usual, she had used her magic to throw her voice. She was most likely cooped up in her library, as usual.

As usual, I was awake before the crack of dawn, so I lit a few candles and readied myself for the day. Apparently, the all-powerful mage couldn't be bothered to illuminate the entire mansion with the same spell she uses to provide light to her library.

Getting dressed took only a few seconds. Carefully hiding my concealed knives took even less time, thanks to centuries of practice. Then came the other portions of the morning ritual. Combing my hair, ordering around the fairies, and dragging myself down to the kitchen, to cook the Mistresses' breakfast.

The pantry of the Scarlet Devil Mansion lacked for nothing, but that did not make my job any easier. Naturally, Remilia wanted to be fed something new each day, putting my skills as head chef to the test.

And Remilia was only the beginning. Meiling didn't care what I fed her. She would just complain about it anyway, and, because she was the gate guard, I always had to cook triple portions for her. Patchouli would always give me criticism which, although I'm sure it was well-intended, made me wonder why she didn't simply cook for herself. Fortunately, the fairies were easy to feed, as they would eat whatever leftovers I gave them.

So there I was, as I was every morning, cooking before the sun even had a chance to rise.

About two hours later, Meiling wandered into the kitchen. By now, I could predict everything she would say.

"Sakuya Izayoi!" she shouted, as I muttered her words under my breath, "Where is my morning meal?"

"Calm down, Meiling," I answered calmly, "I didn't eat it." I thought for a moment, and added, "Not that I could. Not everyone has the appetite of a brute."

To my satisfaction, Meiling's face turned red, almost matching her improbably red hair. "Shut up, you stupid maid! It's not a good idea to mess with me in the morning, otherwise I'll... I'll..."

"You'll sit down and eat your food. It's already on the table, so eat it and go back to doing that thing you like to call 'guarding.'"

Meiling grunted, and shuffled into the dining room. One down...

After Hong Meiling had finished eating, I cleaned up the large mess that she always left, and prepared for my next customer.

The muffled footsteps of Patchouli Knowledge signaled her arrival. "Sakuya, it is time for my breakfast," she said simply. As she said this, I checked my pocket watch. Eight in the morning, exactly. Patchouli was always more reliable than any clock could ever hope to be. The librarian was incredibly precise, down to the second.

"Oh, of course. It's in the dining room, where it always is. As usual, it is green tea and soup, as you requested." Every morning, I had to prepare the most basic meal possible for Patchouli. She told me that it had something to do with her health.

"Excellent. I trust that you took yesterday's suggestions into account? Hopefully, you made slightly weaker tea, and ensured that it remained heated." Had she suggested that yesterday? I couldn't remember. I typically didn't listen to her 'suggestions.'

"Oh, certainly, I made it just as you requested," I lied, hoping that I had happened to be correct. Although cooking is very precise, absolute precision leads to a dull meal. Sometimes, one needs to leave the result up to chance, removing the tea leaves when one feels they should, rather when the exact time has elapsed.

Like Meiling, she shuffled off into the dining hall, but with an air of authority that the Chinese girl could never hope to have. I followed her in, as I always did, to humor her while she rambled about the food.

After Patchy had finished her meal, she thanked me, and shuffled off into that dark, hellish library.

Once I had cleaned up Patchouli's meal (which, thankfully, was always much smaller than China's), I braced myself for the worst part of the morning routine.

"Sakuyaaaaaaaa!"

And here it was. Remilia Scarlet, the feared Scarlet Devil, was finally awake.  
Rather than run to her, I stood in the hall and allowed her to come to me, rubbing her eyes and sporting her usual morning temper.

"Where'd my hat go, Sakuya?" Remilia said, directing my attention to her bare head. At least I knew why she was upset, as opposed to every other morning when she is just simply irritated over being woken up.

"I haven't the slightest idea," I half-lied. Although it was true that I didn't know where it was, I was the one who had taken it from her nightstand for cleaning. One of the incompetent fairies had managed to lose it in the laundry. "Perhaps someone took it as a joke?"

"Nobody here would be stupid enough to try and play a joke on me..." Remilia grunted, obviously looking for an opportunity to take her anger out on me. I put my hand on one of my knives, just in case.

"Well, anyway," I said with a tone of false humility, "your breakfast is ready. It's one of the new recipes I'm trying, so I think you'll like it." I hoped she would like it. Remilia was so unpleasant when she found her breakfast to be unsatisfactory. Despite her actual age, she was still very much a child. Not that I had room to talk.

"Right..." Remilia mumbled, unfolding her wings and floating into the dining room. "Find my hat before tomorrow, Sakuya, alright?"

As I did with Patchouli, I followed Remilia into the dining hall, mainly because I never had anything better to do once I had cleaned up after the other two.

Remilia ate in silence, besides the occasional mutterings to herself about her hat. Apparently, she really had taken a liking to that that. Not surprising, as headwear was a very noticeable status symbol for anyone of power. Even the humans wore accessories, lest they be mistaken for commoners.

Once Remilia was done, she gave me a very cold "Thanks," and, quite literally, flew out of the room. I wiped the entire table down this time, and returned to the main hall to begin my next set of duties.

Unlike most other servants in Gensokyo, I only cook two meals a day. I cook a very large breakfast (which is large enough to hold the residents over through lunch), and then dinner, which is much more organized than the morning meal. However, the time between the two was, by no means, time off. I took great pride in my duties, and I would rather die than fail to serve the Mistress to the best of my abilities.

The rest of the morning was considerably more peaceful, as a hush fell over the house. I made my way upstairs, and set the idling fairies to work. Afterwards, I armed myself with a duster and a broom and began the long, booby-trapped journey down the steps to Voile Library. Technically, maintaining Voile Library was Koakuma's job, but, like most things, Koakuma was completely inept at cleaning. However, before her arrival, I cleaned Voile anyway, so the only thing I lost was an advantage I never had in the first place.

As I was walking, I heard something hum behind me. I ducked quickly, and rolled to my left, before turning around to see what horrible trap I had set off.

I found myself staring in the face of the local troublemaker, Marisa Kirisame, who was happily humming what sounded like a song on her broom.

"Oh, hey Sakuya!" she whispered, as if she was completely oblivious to the fact that she was breaking and entering. "Look, I know what this looks like, and it is what it looks like, but, as a human, you can understand why I do what I do, right? So, out of this overwhelming compassion, you'll definitely not let Patchouli know I'm here, right?"

"How'd you get past Voile's surveillance?" I asked curiously, intending to relay the information to Patchouli once I reached her.

"Oh, easy. I'm just dressed completely in black, with a spell around my face that generates very dense magic. So, in short, I blend in perfectly with these dark, depressing surroundings. The Lonely Librarian can hear my voice, but can't see where I am. Genius, huh?"

"Oh, of course..." I responded, laughing internally at the mage's simplicity. "Oh! If I don't begin cleaning, Patchy will get suspicious, so I should get on that." I said, turning my back to Marisa.

Oops.

"Sorry, Sakuya, I can't let'cha do that..." Marisa hissed in my ear, as I felt her broomstick crack over my head.

* * *

A few hours later, I woke up in one of the many rooms of the mansion. Judging from the freshly-cleaned look, it must have been one of the upstairs rooms. As I slowly opened my eyes, Remilia's face hovered over me.

"You all right?" Remilia asked, sounding genuinely concerned. "Koakuma found you collapsed in the library, and brought you up here. Naturally, as the one in charge of everything, I had to make sure that you were alright. After all, you are the head maid." Despite Remilia's tone of indifference, I noticed a small cloth besides the bed, which was coated in blood on one half.

"Oh, yeah, Marisa's broom made a huge cut in your head, so I had the fairies pull all the splinters out. Hope you didn't feel that. Anyway, speaking of Marisa, she wanted to apologize. Umm, I mean, if you want her to. After all..."

"No, I'd love to hear what the arrogant invader has to say," I answered, finally getting a chance to speak. "After all, I think she does owe me an apology."

"Alright..." Remilia turned around on her stool, "Patchouli, let her in!"

The door opened, revealing the contrasting black and white outfits of Marisa and Patchouli. Marisa's clothes were singed in several places, which, judging by Patchouli's smug expression, was a good indication that Patchouli got Marisa shortly after I was attacked.

As Marisa walked inside, Patchouli slammed the door shut behind her. Marisa muttered something under her breath, before clearing her throat and looking at me.

"So, um, yeah, Sakuya, I'm really sorry for hitting you over the head with my broomstick." Marisa's tone was flat and insincere, which only served to make her 'apology' even better. "Then again, it was actually one of your brooms-"

Remilia grinned and made a violent gesture, which shut Marisa up immediately.

"Thank you. Patchouli, take care of her!" Marisa ordered, as the witch was dragged out of the room by a bored looking librarian.

"Anyway, I don't think you'll be able to return to work today, or, if you don't feel like it, tomorrow, so... just feel free to do whatever, I guess..." Remilia trailed off, wondering what to say.

"Like everything else, my mistresses' words are my command. Thank you."

Remilia shrugged. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

She still seemed to be uneasy. I worked up my courage, and asked, "Is something bothering you?"

"Umm, I'm sorry about what happened this morning..." Remilia mumbled, looking at the floor. "I found my hat in China's laundry later on. It was my morning temper, and... Ummm..." She sighed heavily, and stood up. "Anyway, like I said, take the day off. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Thanking her once again as she left the room, I was once again alone. Calculating how many hours off I had (not including the fact that I could stretch those hours as I saw fit), I found the length of time to be satisfactory, and fell asleep for the evening.

* * *

A/N: For the most part, these are seperate days. Otherwise, I'd have to make long, complicated charts on who does and says what, at what time, etc. I'm too lazy for that. Also, some parts might've felt kinda tacked on, because I've decided to write these stories gradually, mainly because I don't know where I'm going with each chapter. I'll probably get better as time goes on. Sorry for any loose ends. ^^


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I pretty much choose the next character by whoever comes to me first. So... yeah. I just like the SDM. Maybe I'll change it up... As usual, thanks for the reviews! I love reading them!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Reliable Chinese Girl**

"Hey, China's sleeping again..." I hear someone say, causing me to open my eyes. I look around, seeing nothing but an empty field. Strange... Where has the mansion gone?

"Hey, China, you gonna wake up soon?" Something hits my head, though I can't see anyone. I look around, confused.

"Show yourselves!" I shout out in my native tongue, adopting a defensive stance.

"She even sleep talks in Chinese..." the voice laughs, getting more distant. "Come on, let's go."

Wait, sleep talks? Clearly...

My eyes shoot open, as I jump to my feet. Someone has gotten by me yet again.

"Hey!" I scream at the two backs, who are now well out of my reach. "Come here!"

The two intruders ignore me. The pointed black hat tells me that one is Marisa Kirisame, my sworn enemy. The long, black hair indicates that the other one is Reimu Hakurei, my "friend."

Dammit... Anyway, I return to my job of gate guarding. It looks like the sun is going to rise soon. My stomach is starting to rumble, so it's gotta be breakfast time already.

After making sure that nobody else was going to break in (Well, I hoped they wouldn't. It wouldn't be my fault either way, though...), I left my post and walked into the mansion.

As I went into the main hall, I saw Sakuya Izayoi, standing around as usual. She looked like she needed something to do.

"Sakuya Izayoi!" I shouted. Once she saw me, she sighed heavily. Arrogant, as always. "Where is my morning meal?"

She rolled her eyes and looked at me. "We go through this _every morning._ It's in the dining room, and-"

"Thank you," I say, cutting her off. I can be the more mature one, showing gratitude in the face of her stupidity.

She shut up, finally. Smirking, I walked into the dining room, where my usual giant portions were waiting for me. After all, I needed all the food I could get. I was the gate guard.

I ate my meal as fast as I could (It was my belief that everything should be done with the appropriate amount of energy!), and returned to the main hall, where I saw Patchouli and Sakuya arguing. Odd...

"...and she took three of my books this time!" Patchouli said in an unhappy tone. It was her version of shouting. "Honestly, you're better off firing that miserable fool, and simply letting me take care of the intruders. I would be much more effective if she would at least give me even the slightest warning!"

"Patch," Sakuya answered, shaking her head, "take it up with her. You know as well as I do that Marisa gets in multiple times a week, and by now you should have fortified your library better. After all-"

"Don't you dare imply that I am to blame for this!" Patchouli answered, dropping her voice to an angry growl. "Listen, Sakuya. You are an incredibly capable bodyguard, but you haven't the slightest notion of the difficulties of defending territory as vast and complex as Voile Library. If you want to-" She stopped, as she suddenly noticed me, standing in the door and listening.

"Gatekeeper, front and center!" Patchouli barked, obviously very angry. Against my better judgment, I obeyed. Patchouli scared me when she was angry.

"Hong Meiling, your performance has been wholly unsatisfactory recently!" She began, obviously warming herself up. "In fact, it has been consistently poor for quite a while! In fact, in the last seven days, Marisa Kirisame has broken into my library exactly three times, the wild fairies have caused problems exactly four times, and my items have gone missing due to unknown intruders exactly twice. Do you have a response to this?"

I didn't bother asking her what 'consistently' meant, not wanting to give her the advantage.

"The only response I have..." I stalled, thinking of what to say. "I cannot be blamed for the fact that Marisa Kirisame is stronger than me! Physically, I am the strongest one in Gensokyo. However, magic is your area, not mine. So, you should-"

"Don't use your utter incompetence as an excuse, Meiling!" Patchouli cut me off, looking utterly furious. "If I am violated one more time..."

Sakuya, immature as always, let out a giggle at Patchouli's words.

"You know what I mean, Izayoi..." Patchouli sighed. "Ensure that my domain is not violated by intruders, or I will turn the Mistresses' attention to this issue."

"Yes, Patchouli..." I muttered. An angry Remilia was the last thing I needed.

"Very good. Now return to whatever you were doing. I'm done with you." Patchouli turned on her heel and walked back into her library. She stopped halfway there, and turned around again. "By the way, I am glad you appreciate the assistance I gave you earlier. Of course, I would not have had to expel Marisa had you not let her in. Right. Carry on. That means 'do what you were doing.'"

"You probably should, Meiling," Sakuya sighed. "Just... yeah, go back to the gate or whatever. And try not to let Marisa in, okay?" She stressed the last sentence, obviously thinking of the time Marisa attacked her.

"Right..." I answered, shuffling outside.

By this point, I was so frustrated that I would have given anything for Marisa to show up, just so I could beat the living daylights out of her.

"!" I heard the blond's voice screech above me. I turned my eyes to the sky, to see a black and yellow blur fly over me.

"Not you again!" I heard Sakuya scream from the bell tower, as a torrent of knives met the blur.

Marisa fell to the ground less than a second later. I was about to go grab her when I noticed a rustle of the bushes. Wait...

"Idiot..." the person hiding in the bushes spat. "Of course, her diversion doesn't last more than five seconds. And now the gate guard has come to apprehend me. Great..."

"Who's there!" I call out, raising my guard. "State your name and purpose!"

"Alice Margatroid," the intruder answers, as another blond headed girl steps out of the bushes. Unlike Marisa, this one carries herself with dignity, which, in addition to her neatly kept hair, implies authority. It was actually fairly intimidating. Tucked underneath her arm was a spellbook, similar to the ones Patchouli used. Great...

"And my purpose is pretty obvious."

"As I thought! Well, Ari... Arisu..." I stutter over the Western name. It was bad enough speaking Japanese, but to have to pronounce a non-Japanese word in a second language was absolutely hellish.

"Alice Margatroid," the girl repeats.

"Right! Well, I am only allowed to let the residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion enter the premises at the moment, and..."

"I expected that. Time for you to die, then..." the Alice girl laughs, opening the book that she was carrying.

In under a second I had closed the distance between us, and thrown a punch to the stomach. It connected, as it always did, sending my opponent reeling.

"You dirty... You can't... How dare you!" she screamed, trying to recover from being winded. "Don't you have enough manners to realize the rules of a simple duel?"

I gave my reply with a kick to the head. However, Alice ducked in time to avoid it, sending me off balance.

"Idiot..." she murmured, searching through her pockets.

"Shut up!" I screamed, carefully repositioning myself so that she was between me and the wall. Perfect.

My foe's eyes went wide "Wait, I'm sorry!" Alice shouted quickly, her voice filled with panic. "I really am! Marisa made me, so don't-"

"Die!" I yelled, charging towards her, arms outstretched. I caught her, and slammed her into the wall.

"Ow... you didn't have to do that... I would've surrendered anyway..." Alice muttered through the tears that had begun gushing out of her eyes.

Ha! I had redeemed myself by catching an intruder! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Patchouli coming towards me. Hopefully, she saw what I had just done.

"Hong Meiling, do you get satisfaction out of disturbing me?" Patchouli began, stopping when she noticed the unconscious Alice. "Ahhh, I see..."

"Patchouli, I captured an intruder!" I reported, puffing out my chest and pushing my shoulders back.

"You've done your job. Congratulations," the librarian responded dryly. "I'll take Alice, continue guarding. Perhaps the Mistress will let you see how she deals with her."

At her words, Alice's tears doubled in size. "It wasn't my faaaaaaault! Marisa made me, and... and..."

Patchouli sighed and dragged Alice towards the mansion.

I felt good. A job well done for today.

As I looked up at the sky again, I noticed it was starting to get dark.

I sat down underneath one of my favorite trees, and took a short nap to refresh myself.

* * *

A/N: The writing in this chapter was meant to be fairly simplistic. After all, Hong Meiling pretty much is a brute, and, on top of that, is Chinese. She wouldn't be as articulate as the others.


	4. Chapter 3 and a Half

A/N: Sorry for the utter silence. It's been an interesting few days, and I've turned into a slug as well. It's, you know, typical summer stuff. In fact, I tend to write more when I'm actually under pressure, because it's a nice escape.

Ah! But I'm rambling! Anyway, here's another punch-drunk story for your amusement and my degradation. It's not a real chapter, it's an early omake, I guess...

I dunno. Read it, enjoy it, laugh, don't, I don't really know.

Also, feel free to message me, leave reviews, whatever. I love feedback, and I'm so lonely that every message counts. :D

* * *

**Mediocre Magician Makes Miko Mad- Millions Massacred.**

**Maid Mysteriously Missing!**

By Aya Shameimaru

The things you are about to read have been seen by this reporter's own eyes, and this reporter is sickened by the mere memory of it.

Yesterday, this reporter witnessed a common scene: An argument between the so called "Shrine Maiden" (One who's miko-ness is highly questionable), Reimu Hakurei, and the local witch, Marisa Kirisame. What they were arguing about is most likely irrelevant. Or, at least not as relevant as what followed.

After a few minutes of arguing, it was clear that Marisa had said something to greatly anger Ms. Hakurei, as the zealous young miko shouted some rather rude things, and, demonstrating her hotheadedness as always, drew a spellcard.

Although this reporter could not confirm the type of spellcard, a large flash was emitted from it, followed by a giant explosion, and then the end of the world.

This reporter was knocked unconscious for several days. When she woke up, she encountered a horrible sight…

Gensokyo was gone. And, most likely, the earth was gone.

Now, this reporter is alone, in a hellish wasteland, with nobody to buy newspapers.

The horror!

In other news, the infamous Killer Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion has vanished, after muttering something about "Not cleaning up Reimu's messes."

Could she have known about this beforehand?

Ayayayayayayayaya… The world has ended….

…

The sounds of a sleeping tengu filled the little shack that Aya lived in, rattling her windows and typewriter. With every snore, her typewriter would be shaken closer and closer to the edge of the table, until…

CRASH! It fell to the floor, sending some of its keys flying in all directions.

"Ah!" the imaginative tengu screamed, waking from her slumber. "Must… write… story…"

Still in a daze, Aya dragged herself over to the floor, picked up the typewriter, repaired the keys, set paper in it, and began typing furiously.

"In other news…" she muttered, licking her lips in concentration. Then, suddenly…

She stopped.

"Ayaya…" she muttered, smacking herself in the forehead. "It was all a dream…"

But she had already done so much…

"Ah well. Embellished facts make a story interesting. MOMIJI! COME GET THIS ARTICLE PRINTED!"

Ayayayayayaya~

* * *

A/N: Shh... It's a joke. :D This is completely "non-canon." That means that it has no impact on my version of the Touhou Universe. Nobody is dead. Then again, it's all Aya's blatant lies, so...

Ack! Ranting again!


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The Ordinary Day of the Black Magician**

Ze...

Every day is the same for me. And this day would be no different.

It began with the usual routine. Wake up, make sure my hair isn't a tangled mess (Maybe I should get this cut?), put on my signature hat, and step outside.

That's it. No breakfast (It'll only slow me down), teeth brushing, morning prayers, none of that. I don't have time for all that in the morning. I have things to do, people to see, and places to go. After all, unlike that shrine maiden, I don't have time to just sit around all day on my fat butt. Some people actually have to get by.

Oh, right. So I step outside, and mount my broom.

I love my broom, though it's really Reimu's, I think. It's a nice, sturdy broom, that's seen more than its fair share of repairs. Not the best in the world, probably, but it looks properly mystical whenever I fly from place to place. Of course, it IS me flying. I don't need a broom to do that, and, if I couldn't fly, I doubt a broom would help in the slightest.

So, I mount my broom, and, under my own steam, I remind you, hover upwards, above the trees. As always, the view is actually pretty nice. I can almost understand what Reimu is talking about when she mumbles about the beauty of nature and whatnot.

However, nature can wait, because I've spotted my first target: Alice's house.

I zoom across the two hundred yards separating us, and touch down on the ground. As always, Alice has kept her house so clean that it's unbelievably creepy. Then again, Alice herself is creepy.

Rather than waiting for her to notice me hanging around, I quietly hover up to her roof, and quickly get a foothold in it. Being extremely stealthy, I creep over to her chimney, and, just to avoid a stupid mistake, stick my head in it.

No fire, no smoke, no traps, it's all good. I carefully reach over for the broom, drop it in the chimney, and-

It catches fire as it falls. Dammit, Alice, that's just cold...

Prying a shingle from her roof, I want to be doubly sure that her chimney is clear, after my comrade in arms just lost its life.

Saying a quick prayer to whatever god happened to inhabit the Hakurei shrine, I dropped the shingle down the chimney, and waited with bated breath.

The sound of stone smashing against stone was music to my ears. All clear. I waited a moment longer.

Absolute silence. Alice was none the wiser.

I grabbed a spell card, just in case, and jumped down the chimney, sliding down noiselessly.

The soot, combined with my shoes and natural catlike agility muffled my fall, giving me a perfect entrance into the house of-

"Oh, this is lucky..." a cheerful voice greeted my ears."Has Marisa come over to play with me? Or maybe she wanted to borrow one of my books?" Alice, of course. And she was _mad. _

I grinned nervously, and rubbed the back of my head, after adjusting my hat. "The latter, actually, so I'll just-"

"No!" Alice shouted back at me, not even letting me finish. "You're going to play with me, okay?"

"Alice, I don't-" I started to say, quickly deciding that 'playing' with Alice would be a bad idea.

"Shut up!" Alice retorted, stomping her foot. She turned to a nearby bookshelf (With so many bookshelves in her house, is it any wonder why I constantly raid it?), and started pulling something off of it..

I recognized it immediately, her large, nasty looking spell book, the one she always carried around. I gulped slightly, tightening my guard. Normally, I would have ended it with a quick Master Spark, but, as much as I hated Alice, she posed no danger to Gensokyo itself. Killing her so quickly wouldn't be justified. After all, I am more than a being of destruction.

"We're going to play THAT game again?" I asked, forcing a yawn. "Surely you're tired of playing Shoot Magic at Marisa, aren't you?"

"Huh?" Alice asked, my plan working. "What do you mean? Do you have a better idea?"

"Well, for starters, hows about we play Marisa Shoots Magic at Alice this time?"

Alice looked like she had just eaten something sour. "Are you an idiot? Why would I do that?"

I forced a slight laugh, and scratched my head. "It was a joke, you know..." Anything to keep her distracted.

"It wasn't a very funny one. And besides, I like attacking you, you're a great target!" Alice responded, her face brightening up again. "Now shut up, I'm looking for what I'm gonna use first..."

I held my breath, slightly scared, but curious to know what she was going to do. As she ran her finger down the page, the smile on her face widened, turning into a wicked grin.

"Here we go…" she mumbled, before looking up at me. "So, Marisa, I'll give you one chance to apologize, before I get rid of you."

Dammit. She would… Ah well, might as well. After all, I don't exactly have the best reputation, so there's no shame in it.

I dropped to my knees, cursing under my breath, and bowed my head.

"Alice… I'm…" I took a deep breath. All or nothing.

"I'm sorry, Alice. It wasn't proper to break into your house uninvited."

"Goooooood!" Alice squealed, looking absolutely insane. "However, it's not really fair to let you off with just words. I'm going to make you apologize with your blood!"

Oh Kanako…

I could feel the air around me begin to change, which could only mean one thing…

Back to Alice's Dimension…

As the house around me began to twist and fade, I sighed deeply. I'd been here before. Everyone who has to deal with Alice probably has. Oh, look, there's the broom I left in here one time. And there's Reimu's teapot. And there's a fork from the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

But those weren't the only things floating around. Various objects were floating around, ranging from stuff from the shrine, to stuff from Youkai Mountain (although most of it was just my stolen goods that Alice stole from me). It was a veritable garbage dump.

Then again, I've heard that spells like this change depending on who is in the area, so maybe that's why so many of my things are here…?

Wait, why am I getting distracted? This was not the time for this…

"Hey, welcome back, Marisa!" Alice greeted me, sounding utterly ecstatic. "Isn't it great that we get to play in here again?"

"Yeah, it sure is…" I mumbled, looking for a good spell to use. Once you were here, there were two ways out. One was to be released, the other was to take out the youkai.

"Looking for something? Oh! Oh! You want to play with danmaku again! Okay, gimme a second…"

She wouldn't get that second. As soon as I found what I was looking for, I took a step back, stretching my arms out in front of me. I took a deep breath. Using this spell near Alice was never easy…

"Perverse Love: Easy-Harvest Master Spark!" I declared, taking a hand off the card so I could hold the brim of my hat.

A narrow beam shot in front of me, barely missing Alice.

Even though it missed her, the look on her face told me she knew exactly what was coming.

"NOTFAI-"

She never got a chance to finish. As she was complaining about how my attack was "not fair," the narrow beam widened, turning into something more powerful than a cannon shot.

Alice was blown across the room… dimension… thing. And, as always, once she was down, the illusion began to fade.

The simple fact that this was nothing to me probably said a lot about how much I steal from Alice.

So, after that part of my day was done, I dusted myself off, checked to see that I was in the right part of the universe, and exited Alice's house.

I really should do something else with my life…

Anyway, no time to think about that now. I haven't hit Scarlet Devil Mansion yet.

I kicked off the ground, and flew into the air, shooting off towards the mansion.

The earth below me zoomed past. Green forests, clay roof, brown clearing, blue lake…

Ah, there it was. I flew a little lower, so I could check out the status of the gate guard. Upon further examination, Meirin was asleep. What a rare sight.

Giving myself a short burst of speed, I had barely enough time to taunt Meirin as I flew overhead.

"Keep up the good woooooooooooooork!" By the time she looked up, I was already gone.

Alright, get past the gates. Easy. However, that was always the easiest part of this aerial assault. The next part was getting past the clock tower, which Izayoi always used to get a clean shot at me.

I rolled to the left, dodging a silver projectile. Close one…

I could feel myself starting to tire out. Not good, not good…

"Dammit, Marisa, not again!" I heard Sakuya call out, as she sent out another volley of knives. "Do you know how busy I am without your constant intrusions?"

"Naaaah, and it's not like I care!" I shot back, trying to enrage her. She was funny when she was mad. Not to mention less accurate.

"I barely have enough time to clean the whole mansion as it is, and you… Eat this!" She shouted back, as I dodged another wave of knives.

…or not. I messed up the roll, sending three or four blades into various points of my body. I could see my blood dripping to the ground below. Not good, definitely not good.

I had to get out of the air, before Sakuya got lucky… Err, luckier. Rather than a slow, graceful descent, I let myself drop, completely spent for the moment.

Once I was on the ground, I took a moment to catch my breath. Flying is never as easy as it looks. It's like a constant drain on your body, which is why few people do it regularly. I mainly do it just to show off.

I needed a few more seconds to compose myself. I could hold out against fairies, and, barring her time magic, it would take Sakuya about a minute to reach me. For the time being, I was safe.

Of course, I couldn't just stand here out in the open forever. I needed a place to hide.

Scanning the courtyard, I found what I was looking for: The door to the basement, which led to Patchouli's library.

Still full of cold, sharp pieces of metal, I sprinted over to the doors, and quickly opened them, before locking them behind me.

My vision was starting to blur. I needed to do something about my injuries. I took a moment to inspect myself. I had two knives in my left arm, and one in my shoulder (One of the disadvantages of flying is the fact that your head and shoulders are more exposed than they normally are). First aid time…

Taking a deep breath, I put my right hand on one of the knives, one of the ones lodged in my arm, using the left hand to support myself against the wall.

Alright… One… two…

"Marisa Kirisame?"

Three! I pulled the knife out, throwing it to the ground, before covering up the wound with my clothing.

"Oh… Hello Patchouli…" I answered weakly, silently cursing to myself. Wonderful…

"Kirisame, stop bleeding in my library."

"Working on it, Patchy. Gimme a second."

"I will retrieve some bandages and medicine. Just… don't do anything else. I doubt you're qualified to, anyway."

"Right. Got it."

That was one of the many things I admired about Patchouli. Unlike the other residents of the mansion, who probably would have taken me out without a second thought, Patchouli was practical. She rarely ever bore grudges, and, instead, simply chose the most effective course of action, factoring out her personal feelings. She was completely logical.

After I was done thinking about all of this, she was back, holding a few pieces of cloth, and a bottle of some strange liquid.

"Kirisame, hold still…" she muttered, pouring the liquid onto one of the pieces of cloth, before applying the cloth to my wound.

My entire body went numb, allowing her to remove the two other knives without me feeling a thing. I also noticed that I had immediately stopped bleeding, so she probably didn't numb me for my sake.

A few moments later, I was completely healed, save for a few scars in my arm and shoulder.

"Very well, I am done." Patchouli declared, her face and voice devoid of any expression. "Leave immediately."

"Yeah, sure…" I answered, turning around to leave.

"Oh, Patchy, thank you." I muttered, not wanting to be ungrateful.

"What are you babbling about? I didn't do this for your sake. Get out, before I have Sakuya-"

"Right, right, I'm going…"

I dragged myself out of her library, and back into the courtyard. Another failed invasion. I sighed heavily, intent on just returning home, and-

"There you are!"

…getting murdered by Sakuya.

"Hey, Sakuya, look…" I quickly began, putting my hands up in front of me. "I was just leaving. Patchouli let me go. So if you'll just calm down, I'll be going."

"How stupid do you think I am?" Sakuya asked me, advancing towards me.

Resisting the urge to be honest, I decided to smooth talk my way out of this. "Hey, no need to get angry, alright?" I said calmly, taking a few steps back. "If I had stolen anything, I'd be fighting back, right? Instead, I'm simply leaving. Isn't that enough to-"

"No, it's not. I'm not falling for any of your stupid-"

"You can search me! I'm not hiding anything."

"I'll search you once I've repaid the debt I owe you."

"Which you have every right to do. However, wouldn't it be better if you just let me go? That way, you've done your job, without unnecessary bloodshed."

"But your blood is never unnecessary. I'm going to ensure that you never return here."

"But… Umm… Can't you just…" My well of arguments had run dry. I was cornered.

"As I thought. Now take what you deserve, and shut up." I saw Sakuya's hands pull out knives, I saw her throw them. None of this registered until I felt pain from every point on my body.

I couldn't take this anymore…

I fell to the ground, and fell unconscious.

I woke up later, of course, but that was about two days later.

* * *

A/N: I wanted to apologize for the quality of this. I wrote the second half about two weeks after the first half, so I kind of lost my train of thought. Also, Marisa is a hard character to write in character, so... Yeah. ^^; Reviews always loved.


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Ahh, and now for the authors notes, to make this chapter look longer... (Well, not really, but that's what it look like...)

I've noticed how my chapters are 50% blank lines. There is an amazing explanation for this, worthy of Byakuren herself.

The site I submit these to has a much smaller width (think Microsoft Word, print preview), so one line on here looks like, say, two or three on there.

just stretches the lines out too much.

Also, also, also...

UsuallyDead, if you're reading this, you're awesome. Same for you, KreigsaffeNo9...

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Strange Magician's Day**

"Marisa, are you going to wake up today?" a voice called out to me.

Strange, don't remember buying a Miko Alarm Clock from Rinnosuke...

"Marisa, get up..." Something poked me in the head, to accompany this order.

"Wake up." Poke. "Arise." Poke. "Come to life." Poke. "GET UP." Poke.

"Mariiiisaaaaa, I made breakfast!"

That got my attention.

See, it wasn't that this pesky shrine maiden wasn't forcefully dragging me back to consciousness with her rude demands and pokes with her gohei, but I'm a businesswitch. And the miko had just made me a great deal.

"Coming, coming..." I mumbled, making a big show of rolling over in my bed. "Ahh, good morning Reimu..."

I slowly dragged myself to my feet, stretched my arms, and took in my surroundings.

Wait, why was I standing in the Hakurei Shrine?

"Reimu!" I shouted, causing the shrine maiden to jump. "Something absolutely horrible has happened?"

"Huh?" Reimu answered, surprised. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"The local witch has been kidnapped by a devious shrine maiden! Surely, it's a conspiracy!" I shouted, causing Reimu to roll her eyes.

"Kidnapped? Marisa, you've been lying unconscious in my shrine for two days. You're lucky to even be alive right now."

"Thankies and all that, but still, why was I unconscious in your shrine? The last thing I remember was Sakuya turning me into an adorable pincushion."

"Really? The last you should remember is Sakuya dumping you on my doorstep, telling me to take care of the situation. Although in hindsight, she probably just meant to discard the body, rather than reviving the largest pain in the area..."

"Aww, I'm hurt. Or are you still upset over the fact that I threatened to level half your storage shed if you didn't invite me to last month's feast?"

"Marisa, you did level half my storage shed, and it was _because_ I invited you to the feast. And by the way, you're not allowed to drink at this month's. I'm still recovering from your little stunt. Although I do appreciate the fact that you secretly removed everything from that half beforehand. It was really nice." She smirked, hoping to expose me as some secret softy, someone who actually had a heart of gold, and picked on other out of some sense of loneliness.

Forgive me, I need to laugh. People always mistake me for the classic attention-seeker. In reality, I'm just really good at knowing when and how to have fun. It's not my fault that everyone else takes their life too seriously.

Now where was I...?

Ah, right. "You say that, but I didn't want to bear the sin of wasting perfectly good food. After all, if you would have checked your supplies, you would have noticed that several loaves of bread had gone missing after my... uhh... good deed. Also, after you nursed me back to health for two days, I don't think you're in any position to make implications like that. Hmm... Or did you only heal me because you couldn't stand the thought of losing your best friend, the smartest and most attractive one in all of Gensokyo?" I did a quick imitation of Alice, fluffing my hair and folding my hands, like one of her stupid dolls.

"Wh-whatever..." Reimu answered, sounding both irritated and embarrassed. "Here's your food," she threw a bowl of... something, in front of me, "and here are your things," the bowl was followed by a sack of my belongings, "so GET OUT."

I ate, I took my things, I got out.

With anyone else, I would have shown gratitude. After all, even I have my pride. Taking something from someone without proper repayment is nothing short of disgusting in modern society.

However, Reimu was special. Reimu has a debt to pay to me, for all the times she's beaten me senseless over minor squabbles (Though I don't exactly have a losing record), gotten in my way during incidents, and, most of all, impedes magical progress.

Yep, that's right. Reimu actually impedes magical progress. Without her, I would have made several breakthroughs. However, when anything goes wrong, ranging from impending doom to the fact that her hair is a millimeter longer than it was last week, she has to come knocking on my door.

Like a decent person, I answer. Like a youkai, she destroys the place, screams at me, and leaves.

Ahh, mikos these days. Think they're entitled to destroy whatever they want.

Well... There is another reason I don't want to properly thank Reimu...

I can't stand her.

Putting aside the rivalry, the arguments, the incidents... Reimu's lovely Hakurei bloodline just allows her access to ancient power. With a snap of her fingers, she can make a youkai's head explode halfway across Gensokyo. With a funny look, she can send a yin-yang orb crashing into someone's skull.

Unlimited power, none of the work. That's the darling Shrine Maiden of Gensokyo.

Let me paint you another picture. Imagine a blond girl, working tirelessly into the night, reading, experimenting, studying.

Now stop imagining Alice, and imagine me in that situation.

Magic power, as any real magician could tell you, is the result of years of hard work, years of study, training, and meditation. It is only through sheer force of will that I have come so far so quickly.

I don't hate Reimu for her natural talent. You are what you are, and you can't help your birth. I fully understand that, more than I'd like to admit.

However... The way she treats me as a nuisance, or, even more insultingly, as an equal... When I'm on a level much higher than her, in terms of effort...

Reimu is a sore spot for me. One of the few things that irritates me. I feel a lot of emotions towards her. Admiration is not one of them...

She was, however, very fun to tease. She was always so defensive, so on her guard. It was very enjoyable to introduce a little bit of chaos in her life, even if it was something as small as accusing her of kidnapping. Surprisingly enough, or maybe not, kidnapping in Gensokyo actually is a fairly small matter. Happens all the time.

So, like I was saying, I left without thanking her.

Of course, I had nothing to do. I don't plan out the current day, so I definitely didn't have a plan for the unlikely event that I fell unconscious for two days.

Checking to make sure that I didn't have any major scars on my body, I mounted my broom and flew towards home.

I would say that I had missed my house deeply, but this sort of thing wasn't really all that uncommon anymore.

* * *

A/N: Marisa, I love you. But you're really hard to write in character... I think I'll put you on the back burner for a bit.

Also, who wants a yukkuri short?


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Once again, thank you for your reviews and such.

Also, I can't believe that the final chapters of Burning Obsession are reaching the 60-day mark... I really miss writing that. It was my child.

Also, although somebody said authors notes were excuses for why a story is the way it is, I like them. I like talking to my readers. It makes me feel important.

So, yes. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Crybaby of the Lake**

"Hey, froggy, get back here!"

Running with all my might, I leapt in the air, landing on my prey with the grace only a fairy could possess.

Not wanting to lose the opportunity, I froze the helpless animal in my arms, making it my newest trophy, treat, and plaything, all in one!

Carefully picking up the frog, I cupped my hands to avoid dropping it. Carefully floating over to my tree by the lake, I set the frozen frog down by its three other friends.

"I don't hate you," I reassured them, rearranging them by size, "but it's not my fault that I like to catch frogs."

I giggled happily, wondering which one to eat first.

"Hmm… Eenie, meenie, mi-"

"Hey Cirno!" a voice called out, distracting me. "Are you still playing with frogs? Are human children still above your divine powers?"

I turned to face the intruder, though I knew the voice so well that I didn't have to.

Walking towards me was a smirking face, surrounded by golden hair, with a body covered completely with black.

Rumia.

"W-what do YOU want, Rumia?" I asked, taking a step back. Rumia scared me. She was always mean to me, picking on me for fun.

"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to see what the local genius was up to." Her smile said something different, and it sent a chill up my… umm…

Well, it made me scared.

"Nothing, I'm just catching frogs," I answered, glaring at her. I wish she'd go away…

"Yeah, I can see that," Rumia laughed, smiling widely. Taking a few steps closer to me, she turned her attention to my collection of frogs.

"How many frogs do you have, Cirno? Can you even count that high?"

Five today, making for a total of twenty four in four days, for an average of six a day. Simple math, even I can do that much.

"Go to hell, Rumia!" I shouted, my temper flaring up, despite my fear of her.

"Been there, it's lovely. Anyway, maybe these are too many for you to count. Let me help you."

Laughing, Rumia stepped on one of my frogs, crushing it to pieces.

She turned to me, and said something else.

I didn't hear it, my ears were roaring with fury.

As tears welled up in my eyes, I balled up my hands into small fists. I was going to make this jerk suffer!

"Oh, you're angry?" Rumia smirked, as if my anger made her happier than anything else in the world. "Wonderful! What's an ice fairy going to do against a greater youkai? Then again, can your little brain even comprehend the idea of a death wish?"

"Sh-shut up!" I screamed, as tears froze across my face. "And… and… DIE!"

I shoved my hand into my pocket, and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.

Perfect Freeze, my greatest weapon.

"Perfe-"

"Sorry Cirno, not today," Rumia yawned, still smirking as she did so. "I'm not so bored that I'll stoop to fighting you. I have something more important to do."

And with that, she vanished, a ball of darkness replacing her.

"Wh-WHAT?" I yelled, confused. "G-get back here, you coward!"

"What an idiot…" I heard Rumia mumble, from… somewhere, as the ball of darkness floated away.

Watching it, I suddenly realized what had happened. Rumia had tricked me. Again.

At this point, I was too upset to chase after her, or say anything. All I could do was kneel down in the grass, and cry, my tears forming a mask of ice. After a while, a voice intruded upon my tears.

"Huh? Cirno?"

I didn't look at whoever had spoken. I didn't really care.

"Hey, Cirno, what's the matter?"

Someone else was coming to pick on me. I picked up Perfect Freeze, and wiped the tears off my face. Standing up, I came face to face with none other than the shrine maiden.

"What do you want?" I asked, more irritated than tearful, after I had finished crying.

"Huh? Oh, I had just noticed you crying. It's not often that I see you doing anything but playing happily, so I thought I'd take a look."

"It's not often that you come by, either," I remarked.

"True. Anyway, what's the matter?" Smiling, the miko sat on my grass, looking up at me.

Tired of standing, I sat down next to her, and told her about what had happened earlier.

"Oh, I see…" the miko mumbled, thinking to herself. "Hey, Cirno, if I'm allowed to ask, why do you live over here anyway? I'm sure the Scarlet Devil Mansion could use more fairies, and for a fairy, you're slightly above average."

"Hmmm…" I thought, slightly caught off guard by her compliment.

Why DID I live here, anyway? I could easily find work at the Mansion, if I asked…

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. No matter how hard I thought… I didn't know.

"Guess I should have expected that," the red-white laughed. "You probably don't remember much, so I guess your reasons for living here would be forgotten too."

"I remember lots!" I answered, feeling slightly defensive. It wasn't like the time when I was defending myself against Rumia. The shrine maiden seemed like a nice person. "Last month, I caught about eight frogs a day, and hid them all in… Umm…"

Where _did_ I hide them…?

"Guess you only remember the important stuff then…" the miko mumbled.

"Catching frogs actually is really important! It keeps their numbers down!"

"Right, right, I never said it wasn't. Anyway, you look better now, so I'll be on my way." Cutting off the conversation as suddenly as she started it, the visitor stood up, and stretched out her legs.

"Hey, Cirno… Next time I see Rumia, I'll make sure that she pays Komachi a visit." And with that, she started walking away.

I nodded, wondering what someone named Komachi had to do with anything, or why Reimu was bringing up Rumia.

"Bye! Thanks for talking to me!" I called after her.

"I'm a miko. I guide people through life… Though I'm not sure if that applies to youkai. But Gensokyo is filled with youkai, so it gives me something to do. And I didn't do this for you. Your frozen frogs are always great ingredients for cooking. When I'm gone, check your collection, okay?"

I waved goodbye, and, after she was gone, went to check on my frogs.

Let's see… One… two… three…

Huh? One… two… three…

"You tricked me!" I shouted at the shrine maiden, knowing she wouldn't hear me. "Next time I see you, you're gonna pay for tricking the smartest fairy in the world!"

But I was just that. The smartest _fairy_ in the world.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Let me cover some things.

1. Sorry for not updating this story in a butt long time. I'm working on another project, Rediscovered Scarlet Archives, and that's distracted me. Additionally, school has slowed my pace down considerably. Much apologies.

2. For those who read RSA, sorry for no new chapter this week. School, and that is all.

3. I know my "Current Alice" may not agree with the "Early Alice." I'm trying to flesh out my characters as I write more often, so please bear with me. I want to develop my own characters in my own way, so... yeah.

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Early Morning Puppeteer**

"Good morning, Alice! I hope you had an extremely pleasant rest. Is there anything I can do for you, my wonderful creator who-"

"Good Morning, Shanghai," I mumbled sleepily, cutting my 'servant' off before she could launch into the overly long morning greeting that I had given her. A mistake I would have to fix if I found the time… "Shanghai," I ordered, causing her to snap to attention, "prepare my usual breakfast, and be more generous with the butter today."

The girl nodded, gave a smart, "Yes, Ms. Margatroid!" and hovered away.

Yes, _hovered._ Shanghai was different than anybody else in Gensokyo, though she looked like many of the common fairies that plagued its resident.

She was my pride and joy, a being that was as close to a biological child as I would ever get. In laymen's terms, she was a semi-intelligent doll.

Of course, I don't say 'semi-intelligent' to mean that she is in any way mentally deficient. Under my power, Shanghai possesses a mind that exceeds almost all others, though she is still far beneath my level. Without my magic to sustain her, however, she is little more than a block of wood with handmade clothing. Only I can make her more than a simple doll.

However as I said, that's putting it simply. Shanghai is the product of several years of study, a lifetime dedicated to the animation of nonliving matter. As a magician, my days are spent devouring books by the dozen, and spending countless hours testing and revising magical theory. All in all, I quite enjoy it.

To continue, I sat upright in bed, rubbing the last traces of sleep from my eyes. Without wasting another moment, I dragged my drowsy self out of bed.

Dressing my self in the mornings was never much of a problem. My wardrobe consisted of three identical sets of clothing, and there was at least one in my closet at all times. After all, what's the point of spending time choosing clothes when I never entertain guests?

So, clothing myself as I always do, I slipped into my boots and shuffled into the kitchen to see what Shanghai was making me. According to her routine, today should be pancake day.

"Hey, Alice!" Shanghai called out, turning to me. I froze. I don't recall adding something so rude to her programming.

"Marisa stopped by, so, as always, she was just wondering if she could borrow a few books. Would that be alright?"

I could feel my heartbeat speed up. For that name to be brought up before I could even touch my pancakes… "Marisa!" I screamed, intent on removing this pest immediately, "Come out at once!"

"Alright, alright…" an all too familiar voice grated on my ears. "I was just stopping by to say good morning. It's not like I had any intention of robbing you…"

I found it hard to believe she could have any reason for visiting me that didn't include wanton destruction and blatant theft.

And there was only one easy way do deal with intruders.

It was time for Marisa to play with me.

"It's been a while since you've come over, you know…" I began, taking a few steps forward. "That wasn't exactly very nice, taking a cheap shot with your Master Spark…"

"Says the girl who drags people into her own personal hell at the drop of a hat," Marisa muttered just loudly enough for me to hear. "Hey, I've got a good idea. Why don't we just skip the whole process? I'll knock you out and escape, and you can wake up later and hate me as much as you want! Same result, less time. Sounds good, right?"

"I'm not in a mood for jokes, Marisa. This time, I'm not letting you get away with this. In fact, I have a way we can end this disagreement."

"If you're planning on forking over your books, I gladly accept. After all, there are a few things I want to-"

"No, you stupid hick!" I shouted, almost punching a hole through my floor as I stomped my foot. "I… I challenge you to a mage's duel!"

Marisa's face instantly went pale, and for a very good reason. A duel was something that magicians took very, very seriously. Because duels to the death had been abolished many years ago, a mage's duel was a challenge that threatened something much more importantly than an opponent's life. It was a challenge to the opponent's pride, something which almost every magician valued more than their life.

"Alright," Marisa replied, her voice lacking its usual cockiness. Truly, a serious Marisa was a rare sight. "You made the challenge, so you pick the place."

"The immediate area is too saturated with my magical energy," I thought aloud. "For this to be a truly fair fight… Is the Hakurei Shrine an appropriate place? Reimu could be the witness."

"That sounds alright. It's always nice to bother Reimu when I get the opportunity. When will we have it?"

"We will meet at three in the afternoon, about five hours from now. If you don't show up at the Hakurei Shrine, I will consider that to be a forfeit, and an embarrassing display of cowardice. You know the rules, as do I. Three spell cards, and_, unfortunately, _I am not allowed to kill you."

"So… Because we are settling this once and for all, whoever wins gets their way, right?"

"Naturally." I answered, already imagining Marisa being annihilated by my hand. "I will see you then. Leave my house immediately."

"Cherish that sentence, because you'll never say it again!" Marisa shot back, sticking her tongue out.

"Cherish your tongue, because I'll gladly have it ripped out!" I countered, losing my restraint and shaking my fist at Marisa's retreating figure.

Once she was completely out of sight, I released a sigh and wandered back into my kitchen. I typically avoided contact with others until breakfast, and for this very reason. Because of my bad temper (Which was made all the worse because I am typically a very sweet, virtuous person), I have to fight a duel in five hours.

Blocking that thought from my mind, I turned my attention to a more important matter:

"Shanghai!" I shouted, waking my doll up from inactivity caused by magical interference, "Where are my pancakes?"

"Right here, Ms. Margatroid!" the doll answered, hovering over to me, holding a plate of stone cold pancakes. It was only by sheer luck that Marisa had arrived after she was finished making them, else I would be eating shriveled black crisps this morning, and my hatred for her would triple.

"I suppose it will do…" I mumbled, poking the Cirno-esque blocks of ice with a fork. Shrugging my shoulders, I placed a portion into my mouth, and swallowed my pride.

My pride tasted surprisingly good. Especially with syrup added.

* * *

A/N: MARISA VS ALICE. HEAVEN OR HELL. LET'S ROCK.

Yes, this is a two-parter.


	9. Chapter 8 and a Half

A/N: "Hey! You're back!" No. No I'm not. I haven't written much of anything, actually, preferring to do other stuff, and play video games, and all that jazz.

One of these video games is _Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney_, which inspired a twisted, nonsensical Touhou crackfic. It's not the best, and, well, it's not even that good. It's full of cheap comedy, awkward moments, and... yeah. Well, it's short, anyway.

So, enjoy. Because if I don't get more than twenty thousand reviews by March 5th, I will kill this kitten. And consider myself a worthless human being. And whatever else.

But, seriously. Try to enjoy. I dare you.

* * *

**Scarlet Turnabout**

"Order! Order! I will have order!" The voice of Yukari Yakumo, immediately following the echoing of a banging gavel, rang throughout the court. "I will have all unruly parties gapped out of the court!" She paused for a moment, ensuring silence. "Now, if we are all settled down…"

"W-WAIT!" someone screamed, cutting her off. "I… I'm here, your honor! I woke up late, you see, so I was behind, but now I'm here, and I'm ready to-"

"Suika, you may take your seat…" Yukari responded in an even tone, irritation barely concealed. "Right, then? May I start? Or will fairies come shooting out of someone's ears, to further interrupt me? No? Okay, as I was saying, let us begin the trial of Hong Meiling, for the murder of Patchouli Knowledge. Is the prosecution ready?"

"Yes'm, as always, ma'am!" From the prosecutor's bench, wearing her usual miko garb, Reimu answered to the affirmative. "And I will certainly try my hardest to-"

"The defense?" Yukari asked, ignoring Reimu's rambling.

"Y-Yes, your h-honor! I think I'm just about ready now! Though, to be honest, I wish I was given more than ten hours' notice about this tri-"

"Fantastic. Does the prosecution have any opening statements?"

"Yes'm!" Reimu nodded, holding an irrelevant piece of paper in her hand. Yukari rolled her eyes, as Reimu began her statement. "Yesterday, on the afternoon of August 12, Patchouli Knowledge was found dead in her library, a knife sticking out of her chest. The evidence at the scene points to none other than the gate guard, Hong Meiling, as I will easily prove. At this trial's conclusion, it will be abundantly clear that Meiling deserves only a guilty sentence, and nothing less than death. Err, well, permanent death."

"OBJECTION!" Suika screamed, pounding her fists on the table in front of her. "That's… That's all lies! She didn't-"

"Overruled, Ms. Ibuki," Yukari shouted, restraining the urge to toss the gavel at Suika. She hadn't wanted Suika to have any part in this trial, but, of course, as she was the only one that offered to defend Meiling… "And the court requests that you put that gourd away during the proceedings."

"Thought it would work…" Suika muttered, shoving the gourd under the table. "Err, the prosecution may continue, your honor."

"I intend to," Reimu smirked. She hadn't exactly been excited about this job either, but at least she could perform it more competently than a drunken, childish oni. "As I was saying, this point will be proven through the use of witnesses, carefully gathered evidence, meticulously examined facts, and, of course, cold logic and dispassionate reasoning. After all, this is a country that has been dominated by lawlessness and struggle for several generations, so I am filled with the motivation to reform this lawless land by proper execution of justice. For if we did not do that, what would we be besides barbarians? What standards could we adhere to that are not adhered to by the wild youkai of the forest? What-"

"Reimu…" Yukari interrupted gently, "You're giving an opening statement, not reciting an essay on the justice system of Gensokyo. Or lack thereof. Please move on to your first witness."

"Of course, your honor! The prosecution would like to call the arresting officer, Kotohime, to the stand!" Reimu felt a wave of satisfaction wash over her as her statement caused an uproar in the crowd. Calling a long-forgotten person as a first witness was, in her opinion, a brilliant move. Hopefully one in a series of many.

However, before Kotohime could take the stand, the doors burst open, and yet another latecomer intruded into the courtroom. "HOLD IT!" she screamed, wiping sweat off of her brow. "M-M-My name is D-D-Daiyousei, and I'm the d-d-d-d-defense's legal a-a-aide… So, umm… If you'll excuse me…"

Daiyousei shrieked in terror as a stream of danmaku flew half an inch over her head, singing her hair. "Ibuki!" Yukari seethed, her hands still glowing from the shot, "That was a warning shot. If any more of your merry friends come through this door unannounced, they will be incinerated without question. Do I make myself clear?"

"C-Crystal!" Daiyousei and Suika answered simultaneously, both shaking uncontrollably.

"Excellent. Now let's all sit down, and let Kotohime take the stand."

"Right here, your honor!" An unknown voice echoed throughout the courtroom, causing everyone's head to turn in search of the speaker. "E-Excuse me, I'm right here!" It repeated, increasing the bewilderment. "At the witness stand! Hey, hey! Has it really been that long?"

All eyes moved to the witness stand, where a lone figure stood at attention, looking mildly offended. She had deep red hair, braided down to her waist. Her robes were imprinted with several floral patterns, and her hands were firmly clasped behind her back. "Officer Kotohime reporting for du- Testimony, your honor!"

"Who the- Oh, wait, you're… _that_ Kotohime…" Yukari muttered, absentmindedly tapping her gavel against her chin. "Wonderful. It's so… nice to see you again."

"The feeling is mutual, your honor!" Kotohime responded cheerfully, having moved on from her shock at being forgotten. "After all, there's still the matter of funding and support that needs to be arranged, and-"

"We'll discuss that after the trial. Just come down to my… err… office, later on, okay?" Yukari clenched her fists, wishing that anybody _but_ this girl would need questioning.

Reimu loudly cleared her throat, making her presence known in the most obnoxious way she could get away with. "Excuse me, may I do my job? Witness, your name and occupation please."

"Officer Kotohime, of the Gensokyo Police Department. I'm the-"

"Your honor, I object!" Suika shouted, banging her hands on the table. "I object on the grounds that 'Officer' is a title, not a name! I request that it be stricken from the record!"

"You're not _that_ desperate yet, are you?" Yukari sighed, another surge of hatred rising up. "Whatever. Objection sustained. The witness will exclude all unnecessary information. For all of our sakes."

"Pardon me, oni," Kotohime spat, glaring at Suika. "My name is Kotohime, of the Gensokyo Police Department. I am the one who arrested Hong Meiling on suspicion of murder. All of the evidence, which really consists only of the murder weapon, a knife-"

"KNIFE added to court record." Suika shouted, then covered her mouth with her hands. "Sorry, your honor! No clue what possessed me to say that! Won't happen again!"

"As I was saying," Kotohime continued, "All the evidence points to her. Her fingerprints were clearly visible on the handle, so-"

"OBJECTION! OBJECTION! OBJECTION!" Suika yelled, beating out a rhythm on her desk. "Your honor, Gensokyo has no knowledge of forensics, so the discovery of fingerprints on the murder weapon would have been impossible! I request that the witness refrain from adding things into her testimony purely for the sake of sounding intelligent!"

"G-Good point, Ms. Ibuki." Yukari nodded, genuinely impressed. "I hadn't noticed that. The witness will stick only to the hard facts of the case, and refrain from adding in things which cannot be proven with Gensokyo's technology."

"Who's to say it can't be proven?" Reimu shouted. "After all, we don't know the police department's current state of technology!"

"But… But…" Suika stammered, thinking of a reasonable counter. "The witness has offered no proof that the department is capable of proving that they can identify fingerprints! I demand proof!"

"You want proof?" The police officer asked, grinning. "Simple. I didn't mean _literal_ fingerprints. I meant _magical_ fingerprints. Of course, we can't discover traces of fingerprints on the murder weapon, because we have no need. After all, we have mages on the force that are more than capable of tracking spells, which lead us right to Hong Meiling."

"Then say so earlier!" Yukari shouted, unleashing her frustration by banging her gavel as loudly as she could. "If the witness won't give an accurate testimony, I will have a chat with her here and now to, err, persuade her to be more careful."

"Point taken, ma'am!" Kotohime saluted smartly. "_Officer_ Kotohime will not fail you again."

"For your sake, I pray that you do not," Yukari threatened. "Is there anything else to report?"

"No, ma'am. Now that I think about it, that's about it. Officer Kotohime ends her report right here!"

"Understood. Has the defense finished the cross-examination?" Yukari asked, with a tone that dared Suika to say no.

"Y-Yes, your honor. The defense has no further questions." Suika replied, wisely taking the offer.

"Understood. Officer Kotohime is leaving the- Oh, wait!" Kotohime shouted, digging through her pockets. "I forgot about something. Here, this photograph was taken by our newest member of the force, Aya Syamei- Err, Shamei- That tengu reporter." Pulling a crumpled up photograph from her pocket, Kotohime unfurled it, and held it up to Yukari.

"Let me see," Yukari ordered, taking the photograph. "Very well, submitted as evidence."

"Your honor," Suika and Reimu piped up at the same time, "May I see the-"

"NO." Yukari answered, somehow glaring at both of them simultaneously. "Let's not prolong this trial any more than absolutely necessary. This photograph reveals nothing, and that's final."

Nodding, both sides sat down, deciding it was best to move on.

"Alright, does the prosecution have another witness?" Yukari asked the legal miko, as Kotohime silently shuffled out of the room, forgotten once again.

"Er, yes'm. The prosecution calls the employer of Meiling, Remilia Scarlet, to the stand. Apparently, she has asked to testify about Meiling's alibi. And, seeing as how I really have nothing better to do with my time, I allowed her to."

"Witness!" A haughty voice shouted, causing another wave of confusion. "You will now take the stand. Thank you, I shall." With a rhythmic beating of her wings, Remilia soared over the heads of all in court, and glided over to the witness stand, narrowly dodging a flurry of Yukari's fury. "State my name and occupation?" She asked, before Reimu could so much as blink. "Of course. Remilia Scarlet, youkai warlord, and owner of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. I'm sure you've-" Remilia paused suddenly, and instantly dropped to the floor, a moment before a large, purple beam of energy flew towards the spot where her head had been a moment before.

"One. More. 'Surprise…'" Yukari whispered, turning to face Reimu, "and I will not hesitate to massacre everyone in this court, and declare martial law for all. Do I make myself clear, Reimu?"

"You wouldn't hurt me, Yukari!" Reimu shot back, her tongue sticking out. "If you do, we all die! And, after all, why spend all this time protecting me, just to kill me off over a petty legal dispute?"

Yukari tapped her chin, unable to come up with a reply. Instead, she turned herself to Suika. "Do I make myself CLEAR, Ms. Ibuki? Choose your answer carefully."

"I CONFESS!" Daiyousei screamed, covering her face in fear. "I confess! I did it! I did it all! Just don't hur-mmmmmph!"

"Y-Yes, Y-Y-Your H-H-Honor…" Suika stammered, clamping her hand over Daiyousei's mouth. "A-A-And my aide would like to retract that confession."

"Understood. This court will be run in a _civilized_ and _organized_ fashion, or I will show you the true meaning of the Wrath of God." Yukari cracked her knuckles, took a deep breath, and glared at Remilia. "At the risk of staining my hands with your blood… Continue."

"Make me," Remilia smirked, arms folded across her chest. "It's illegal to coax a witness through f-f-f-f-fooooooORRRRRRRRR-" Remilia suddenly pinned her arms to her sides, and rose slowly into the air, a menacing black aura forming around her.

"I write the law," Yukari growled, "I _am_ the law. I decide what is and isn't legal."

"YES'M!" Remilia screeched, as Yukari let her back down.

"Good girl. Testify, and my mood just might improve."

"Understood! See, on the day of the murder, or, to be more specific, the afternoon of the murder, I was eating lunch, as always. And, as usual, Meiling and Sakuya were eating with me. So, if Meiling stabbed Patchouli, which I doubt she did, she could not have done it at lunch time."

"See!" Suika shouted, pointing at Remilia with all her might. "This proves Meiling is totally innocent! Your honor, I recommend that-"

"I object!" Reimu yelled, followed by a loud banging noise that sounded exactly like a miko slamming her hands onto a flat surface. "This proves nothing! Or, at most, that the murder could not have happened at lunch time! Which leaves about twenty-three and a half other hours that Meiling could have killed her! Fifteen and a half, if you count Meiling's bedtime and usual waking hour!"

"Ahh," Remilia grinned, wagging her finger. "However, Meiling always takes a nap after lunch, and has recently started going to bed earlier, so that really only leave thirteen and-"

"Objection!" Suika countered. "It… Err… Well, I was really only trying to break your stride. Wait a moment…" An awkward silence settled in. "Got it! Okay, so, Reimu, you say Meiling could have killed her later, but… Well, err… According to this knife I have in my court record, the handle is fairly clean, and shows no signs of food stains, so, therefore, Meiling couldn't have killed Patchouli after lunch. Or at all, of course. Because, like, there'd be food stains, because Meiling's a really messy eater. And a really big eater. She eats like an oni drinks, and-"

"I OBJECT TO THE DEFENSE'S CHATTINESS!" Reimu exclaimed. "This is bull! You totally can't waste our time like that! I mean, sure, she's well within her rights, but still…"

"UNOBJECTION!" Suika shouted, kicking the desk as hard as she could, sending it flying across the courtroom. "Err, sorry about that. Anyway! Umm… Like I was saying, before Reimu interrupted me, the murder couldn't have happened after lunch, because the knife handle was clean, and Meiling only washes her hands twice a day, and… Umm… Wait a minute, isn't Sakuya the cook?"

"ULP!" Remilia yelled, jumping backwards for dramatic purposes. "You've discovered the hole in my plan! I'm not sure what this changes, but I'll reveal everything now! Yes, Sakuya always cooks, but… Well, I said she was eating with us, because she was… Installing a new, top-secret security system that-"

"That's enough!" Suika cut her off, clearly enjoying her Power of Attorney. "I call Sakuya Izayoi to the stand to question her about this so-called security system, because I'm sure it's absolutely relevant!"

"Whatever fills your gourd," Yukari yawned, calling a pillow out of her Mysterious Gap. "Take your time." With that, she fell asleep.

"I'm out, then?" Remilia blinked, relieved. "Great. I'm going to-"

"No need, Mistress! I sensed I was needed thirty seconds ago, your time, of course, and ran to this courtroom as fast as I could, so that I may prevent myself from obstructing justice! Sakuya Izayoi is here to take the stand!"

"Ahh, good for you," Remilia nodded, patting Sakuya on the back. "Do your best, tell the truth, and don't mention the incriminating fact that we're breaking several child abuse laws by imprisoning a psychotic Brat of Mass Destruction underneath our basement. Because that's supposed to be a secret."

"Mistress, you just-"

"I lied. Don't believe a word I say. And don't believe Sakuya if she mentions it either. I'm going to go drink tea and play the pipe organ in front of my magically created image of a red moon. Ta!" With that, Remilia vanished from sight, and the sound of a badly played organ could be heard coming from miles away.

Sakuya scratched her head, moved into the chair Remilia was sitting in a moment before, and was cut off before she could even begin speaking.

"Not so fast, witness!" Reimu shouted, pointing at Sakuya. "I want to do the introduction this time! Witness, state your name and occupation!"

Sakuya blinked, and stared at Reimu in stony silence.

"Witness, did you hear me? State your name and occupation!"

Sakuya continued to stare.

Reimu took a deep breath, and screamed, "WITNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS!"

"I heard you. Twice. May I speak now?"

"Err, y-yes. Sorry." Reimu blushed, and repeated, "State your name and occupation!"

"Sakuya Izayoi, Head Maid of Mistress Remilia Scarlet, owner of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Final Member of the Tepes Bloodline, Vampire of the Red Moon, Sister of-"

"Geddonwithit…" Yukari muttered, still asleep. She raised her hand, and lazily shot off another purple beam of death, blowing a hole in ceiling. With another wave of her hand, the hole was instantly repaired.

"Indeed." Sakuya responded dryly. "I believe I am called here to testify about my actions on the day of the murder, correct?"

"Sure, sure." Reimu nodded, bored with the whole charade. "Testify, testify…"

Daiyousei leaned over to Suika, and whispered, "I can't believe she just made such an old reference…" Or, at least, she would have, if Suika's booze-scented hand wasn't still over her mouth, turning her words into, "Mm mmmmm mmmhmhmhmhm mshmhmshm mmhmm mhmmm mmmhm mmmmmmhm."

"Thasnice, Daiyousei…" Suika muttered, taking another large gulp from her gourd. Her hearing had passed on roughly three gallons ago.

"Right…" Sakuya muttered, aware of the… less than interested atmosphere. "Umm, okay. See, I was installing a new Kappa-Tec Anti-Marisa Security System, called the Nitori's Anti-Maria Security System 9001. It's a relatively new model, you see, designed to counteract Marisa's latest crime-spree. It's fairly standard procedure, as a new one must be purchased and installed roughly every three weeks, to adapt to that black witch's newest tricks. So, anyway…" She trailed off, listening for a moment. All that greeted her was the sound of snoring. "Err, I wasn't at lunch that day. But Meiling was. And she didn't kill Patchouli. The end."

Suika clapped drunkenly, and threw the knife at her. The knife spun across the room, planting itself into Sakuya's braid. Sakuya pulled it out, muttering something about having to redo her hair.

"W-WAIT!" Sakuya shouted, examining the knife. "That drunken action just coincidentally revealed the key to this whole case!"

"WHAT!" Suika, Reimu, and Yukari shouted, now magically fully sober, interested, and awake, respectively. "What are you talking about?"

"See here?" Sakuya asked, pointing to an area on the knife. "Next to the letters S.I., for Sakuya Izayoi, of course, there are two more letters…"

Yukari waved her hand, causing a gap to open in the ceiling. The Prismrivers fell out, playing dramatic music, perfect for the scene.

"These two letters are…" Sakuya continued dramatically, "M…" The entire crowd held their breath for the second letter, as Sakuya stood up and shouted, "K!"

Several people fainted, and a massive uproar started for no apparent reason. Yukari gapped away the Prismrivers, however, and the entire courtroom settled down immediately. "The hell does that mean?" she asked, beginning to feel tired again.

"Simply put," Sakuya began, gearing up for a long Revelation Speech, "It means that, as I keep my knives in several distinct sets, there is no way Meiling could have acquired this knife. I sort my knives by intended victim, in order to better track my kills for situations such as these. I throw knives marked H.M. at Meiling whenever she's slacking off, which is all the damn time, and…" She held up the knife in her hand, "I throw M.K. knives at… MARISA KIRISAME! Therefore, as with now and every other time, Marisa has committed this dastardly crime!"

"MARISA KILLED THE PRECIOUS MAGE?" Yukari, Reimu, and Suika shouted in unison.

"Indeed… Marisa killed the haughty and annoying librarian… I, Sakuya Izayoi, the Witness, call Marisa Kirisame to the stand!"

"Not technically valid, but I don't give a damn. Fetch Marisa at once!" Yukari shouted, banging her gavel so hard that it smashed in two. In a split second, a fresh one had fallen out of a newly opened, ultra-convenient gap.

A black witch's hat rose from the crowd, followed by the irritating, kleptomaniac witch herself. "AHH, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY ALIVE, COPPERS!" she screamed, floating over to the stand. "MARISA KIRISAME'LL NEVER FALL, DA ZE!"

The entire courtroom fell silent, as Marisa shoved Sakuya out of the way.

"So, err, did you do it?" Yukari asked in a monotone, unsure of what to think anymore.

"Yep!" Marisa responded, looking absolutely pleased with herself. "And it was good fun, too! You know, I should really take up murder, rather than just being a kleptomaniac. Like, Marisa the Murderous Magician! I like that, it's pretty awesome, and stuff! I'm a legit murderer now!"

Yukari sighed, and shook her head. "Capital punishment, case closed. I'm going home."

"HOLD I-I-I-" Someone interrupted, before breaking into a coughing fit. Though they plainly came in through the double doors, just as Daiyousei and Suika had done, Yukari no longer cared enough to follow through on her threat of instant incineration.

It was Patchouli Knowledge. In the flesh.

"Oh!" Marisa greeted, as if this was completely expected. "Hiya, Patch!"

"Spare me your ridiculous and insincere pleasantries!" Patchouli snapped, moving to the center of the room, a spotlight shining on her out of nowhere. "I was supposedly murdered, and this is how all of you act? You fools! You poor, poor fools! Can you not see how foolishly foolish you fools really are? This was not an actual murderer, it was a demonstration of the woeful inefficiencies of Gensokyo's legal system! I am disappointed in all of you. Facts were overlooked, witnesses were harassed, the truth was covered up, and, most importantly, nobody realized that _youkai don't leave blood_. Surely, you all have much to-"

"Nobody cares!" Sakuya shouted, throwing the murder weapon at Patchouli, hitting her square in the chest, killing her instantly.

She died in a puddle of her own blood, cursing irony until her last breath.

**The end.**


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: Well... I'm sorry for what I'm about to unleash on all of you. Basically, I wanted to write a crackfic. It Got Worse. I've been writing this on and off for about four hours, taking suggestions and reading Touhou threads for ideas. So, yeah.

* * *

_**Two and a Half Gods: A Divine Comedy**_

Morning had come to the Moriya Shrine, as the rising sun gradually illuminated the steps leading up to the mountaintop it sat on. As the sun continued its arc, the sloping sides of the rooftop began to shine, reflecting the radiant light.

There were no birds to be found chirping here, as the area was devoid of any trees. Instead, the air was noisily filled with the ribbiting of the countless frogs that had made their homes in the small ponds in the shrine's front and back yard. The residing god would have it no other way.

The other residing god, on the other hand, was about ready to blow the entire place straight into the Hell of Blazing Fires. Maybe _then_, the place would finally warm up.

And then, suddenly, the serenity of the early morning was broken by an irritated scream. Right on schedule.

"Sanaaaaaaaae!" Kanako screamed, banging her fists on the small wooden table of the shrine. "Sanae 'I'm-Too-Lazy-to-Tend-to-My-Deity' Kotiya, get over here immediately!" Somewhere, a giant storm was brewing out of the blue, ruining crops and, eventually, starving several dozen farmers.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" the shrine maiden screamed back, before returning to her current task of smothering her hair in green dye. She was secretly a natural brunette, but, after that incident with the chlorine, everyone seemed to like her new hair color. Ever since then, she'd put an enormous amount of effort into maintaining her 'It magically turned green when I came to Gensoko!' story, lest she lose the one thing that separated her from that two-dollar miko, Reimu Hakurei. That would be, and has been on several occasions, a nightmare.

"Leave her alone, you washed up excuse for a goddess," another voice protested sleepily. Rubbing her eyes, Suwako Moriya, wearing little more than a nightgown and her possibly-sentient hat, stumbled out into the shrine. "She's supposed to serve me first, anyways. A growing girl's needs are more important than an old hag, after all. Anyway, do you know what's for breakfast this morning?"

"I haven't the froggiest," Kanako grumbled, as a flash flood suddenly took the lives of several cattle in another part of Gensokyo.

"Hiss off," Suwako shot back, thoroughly enjoying the chance to further worsen her rival's mood, "Or cut it out with the puns."

"Yeah? Well ribbit... Yourself... Uhh..." Kanako answered lamely. Sighing, she covered her face with her palm, "Nevermind... Youthful appearance is wasted on the brats..."

"Quite. Anyway, what's taking her so long? Typically, her hair dying sessions only take two hours. She's been in there for at least three..."

At that moment, Sanae walked in, running her fingers through her moss-green hair. "You're wondering what I do with my free time in the bathroom? That's... kinda creepy. Doesn't a girl have any rights anymore?"

"Doesn't a god have any _respect_ anymore?" Kanako grumbled, staring at the still-empty spot between her fork and her spoon. "I've been waiting on my food for about ten minutes. Don't make me dock your-"

"You don't pay me," Sanae cut her off.

"I was going to say magical powers, actually," Kanako finished. "I still have control over some of those, you know."

"Anyway," Suwako mumbled to herself, "I bet _Reimu_ makes breakfast on time every morning." She turned to Kanako, and asked, "Wouldn't it be better to just move into the Hakurei Shrine? That Reimu seems nice and dutiful enough, unlike Sanae, who-"

"." As soon as she heard the name Reimu, Sanae had put her powers of cooking to use, cooking a three-course breakfast in under three seconds.

"Whoa..." Suwako and Kanako gasped in unison, their eyes wide at the sight before them.

"She even put out candles..." Kanako noticed, "And embroidered napkins..."

"Amazing..." Suwako exclaimed. "We should use that motivator more often... Hey, Sanae! I bet _Reimu_ would-"

Before she could even say what _Reimu_ would have done, her meat suddenly split into neatly cut portions, the entire meal had been evenly seasoned, and her cup had been filled to the brim.

"...be awestruck at your unreal powers of cooking," Suwako finished.

"Damn right she would!" Sanae said, panting from the effort of bending the laws of time and space without the aid of magical abilities.

A sudden knock at the... wall where the door should have been interrupted their conversation. The three heads turned to stare at the figure standing at the entrance. A black-haired tengu, wearing a white blouse and a black skirt was eagerly waving a newspaper at them. "Marnin' delivery of yer paper, marms!"

"Oh crap, this is awkward..." Sanae muttered. "Hey, umm... Didn't you get the memo?" she asked the tengu. "We've unsubscribed to your paper, remember? We've decided to switch over to-"

"Kakashi Spirit Neeeeeeeeeews! Get your Kakashi Spirit Neeeeeeeews here! Oh, good morning Miss Moriya, Yasaka, and Kotiya. I've come to bring very first edition of the- Waitaminute, what's this joker doing here?"

Out of the sky came another tengu, a brunette with a pink blouse and a checkered purple shirt. She, too, was holding a stack of newspapers, which had suddenly been dropped to the ground in shock. "This... This was a setup! Of all the dirty tricks, to bring me face to face with _her..._"

"Uhh, no, actually..." Sanae explained, "Aya just didn't get our cancellation notices, even though we sent in about a dozen. They keep getting lost in the mail, apparently. We've been telling her every day that we don't want her-"

"NONSENSE!" Aya screamed, throwing a newspaper at Sanae. "Everyone wants the Bunbunmaru! It's educational! It's fun! It's functional! We don't do unsubscribing! The only way you can unsubscribe is through death!"

"Then why do I always hear Mima complaining about how you 'shove your garbage in her face'?" Hatate asked, turning to her competitor. "She wants to read informative, unbiased journalism! Not your filthy tabloid lies! However, because no such newspaper is available in Gensokyo, she at least prefers mine over yours!"

"Ladies, ladies..." Kanako interjected, after swallowing another bite of sausage, "Let's not argue over this here, okay? You're in Gensokyo, after all. Petty arguments solve nothing, danmaku duels do."

"They're not gonna listen to _you_, you old hag," Suwako sniped, watching the two so-called 'journalists' prepare to duke it out in front of the shrine. "You need to... persuade them, like so. Hypnohat, engage!"

At her command, the two eyes on her hat began to spin, steadily speeding up until they were two black spirals, radiating with dark, evil hypnotic power. Aya and Hatate, compelled by mysterious and unknown forces, turned to look at the hat, their argument forgotten. Sanae quickly covered her eyes, as Kanako sighed and watched with mild interest.

"Listen, you two..." Suwako began, a smile curling around her lips, "The Almighty Hat commands you to settle this in a rap-off. The winner shall have delivery rights to the Moriya Shrine, while the loser must publish a factual account of their defeat in tomorrow's paper. You will forget about the existence of the Almighty Hypnohat, and commence with the duel when I say TakerFoxx. Understood?" She took a moment to take a mental snapshot of their drooling, blank faces. "Then... TakerFoxx!"

"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!" Aya screamed, snapping out of the trance. "I have a sudden and inexplicable urge to have a rap battle with Hatate over delivery rights to the Moriya Shrine, so I must act on it!"

"HATATATATATATATATATATA!" Hatate agreed, "And the loser must publish a factual account of their defeat in tomorrow's paper! Which will never happen, because Aya's a notorious liar!"

"Rap battle, start!" Suwako commanded, snapping her fingers.

"Err," Aya hesitated a moment. Her pupils then dilated for no apparent reason, and she turned to Hatate. "You call yourself a tengu? Girl you ain't got no game. I'm the Ace Reporter, and your newspaper's lame."

"This isn't going to end well," Kanako grumbled, finishing the last bite of Sanae's cooking. "Why did it have to be something to potentially butcherable as rap?"

"I'm surprised they even know what 'rap' is, to be honest," Sanae commented, taking her seat next to her two gods. "I thught Gensokyo was still stuck in the folk music phase."

"Well... I may have let the local tengu listen to a CD or two at one of my parties..." Suwako admitted. "The kids thought it was cool, and, after telling them I miraculously invented it, it's like a goldmine for faith."

"As annoyed as I am for not having thought of that first," Kanako muttered, "Shut up, both of you. I want to watch this. And a-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four..."

"You call that a paper, that steaming pile of trash?" Hatate countered, bobbing her head, "That crap makes me sicker than Suwako's annual bash. Take a seat, you third-rate hack, watch and try to learn. I'm gonna school you so damn bad you won't have the balls to return."

"But I don't even have-" Aya started to protest, before the hypnosis took control again. "Sit down in the corner, you pathetic excuse for a crow? Why don't you hold on to that crappy hat, and I'll show you a real show? See I got my pen and tokin, and my printing press as well. In comparison, you ain't got smack, and your paper's sucky as hell. So why don't you just go off yourself, and admit that I'm the best? But before you die, print your defeat, that's my last request."

"Okay, really, Suwako, stop this idiocy before my ears melt," Kanako grumbled, before sliding her chair back loudly, standing up, and storming off.

Sanae was busy clamping her hands over her mouth to keep from giggling.

"Off myself? You feelin' right, you fifty-cent muckraker? Crow, I'll show you how it's done, and send you to meet your maker. 'Cuz your maker is Yukari, at least by some weird logic. I'll sling my danmaku of witty words, just try and try to dodge it."

"Wait, what?" Aya asked, her pupils suddenly shrinking back to normal size. "That... That doesn't even rhyme. I mean, it sort of does, but not exactly. And... Why are we rapping? Aren't we supposed to be killing each other?"

"Beats me..." Hatate admitted, scratching the back of her head. "Or rather, it'll beat YOU, 'cuz you ain't got no game to see this THROUGH to the bitter end, because I KNEW that I intend-"

"Hey!" Suwako shouted, cutting Hatate off. "I lifted the hypnosis, so you don't have to rap anymore. Don't try to blame the fact that you can't conjure up any phat beats on my hat!"

"What's the hat got to do with it?" Aya asked, thoroughly lost.

"It doesn't." Suwako quickly answered. "Now, both of you... get out. Before I have to call Kotohime to arrest you."

"You mean that lunatic princess?" Aya asked, her interest piqued. "Do you know of her current whereabouts, and whether or not she'd be available for an interview?"

"She lives at Eientei, featherbrain." Hatate rolled her eyes, "Everyone knows that. Don't you remember the Lunar Incident?"

"The other lunatic princess, the one from... that time that nobody seems to remember. I think Mima knew her from some tournament or something. Something about a spaceship and a lot of people shooting each other for no reason."

"Oh, wasn't that the yoo-eff-oh thing everyone was flipping out about? I didn't know Mima was involved in that..."

"Both of you, shoo!" Suwako shouted, motioning for the reporters to leave. "Before someone breaks the fourth wall, leave!"

"Oh, Suwako..." Sanae muttered, as a black border appeared and closed itself around her face. "Oh, err... That's all, folks!"

A laugh track played, and the credits rolled.

* * *

_A/N:_ _I truly apologize for that rap battle. I don't know_ why _I decided to actually throw it in, but... I did. And, like the Internet, it was fast and horrible. _

_It was also inspired by Conviction Yamaxanadu! and MURASAME UNITED, so blame IOSYS._

_Much thanks to Mima-sama, A.K.A. PKBlackTornado, for the hypnosis idea. Also, I blame this story's horrible derailment on you, for the hypnosis idea._

_Also, to the three people that read RSA... I'll be going on a month-long hiatus while I get a job and work and stuff. I haven't written anything the last month due to exams, familial obligations, and Gunslinger Girl watching. HOWEVER! When I return, I shall make it up to you. I swear that I don't get any kicks out of leaving you all hanging for several months. But, yes. I'm off to be legally employed for the first time in my life._

_Read _Imperfect Metamorphosis_ while you wait. TakerFoxx will blow your mind to pieces._

_So, Yeah._

-_One-Week Wizard  
_


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